Over the past few months I have learned something about myself-I AM A PERFECTIONIST! I know, who knew right-lol. That's right. Something I never thought of about myself, I guess because I am not always worried what others think and there are plenty of areas in my my life that I just try without a care. And there are plenty of times I get overwhelmed and then I quit. But the things I do carry out to completion, I excel at 100%-I know my gifts, I work hard, I strive for verbal praise-because after all I am a "words of affirmation" girl. (Read The Five Love Languages)
Life has been a bit rough over the past few months while I try to learn who I am again in this new identity I have here. Trying to figure out my place, my purpose. Its a bit frustrating but even more so because the truth often hurts...a lot! Lately I find myself in that middle ground. Its uncomfortable and its hard. As a parent, I have not mastered this motherhood thing-I know I have been doing it for 7 years now and I still just can't get it right. As much as I would like to quit, I can't and I won't, its just hard because I like to be great at what I do. Unfortunately that has not been the case lately.
My heart aches so much for my Kai, my first born, my guinea pig. Still my baby, yet the one I expect so much of....why is that? Why and how could I have allowed our relationship to be be so up and down? If you know him you know this... he is an amazing boy-not only super gifted athletically, but he has a brain that surpasses his age and a heart that has so much compassion while at the same time he is the class clown always looking for a laugh.
Why is it then, that there are more nights than not that I go to bed thinking to myself again, "Why did we argue about something so stupid? Why did I call him a brat? Why didn't I just give him that five more minutes to finish his legos? Why didn't I try it a different way? Most importantly, why am I acting like a 7 year old?"
I have been on a search to help make my family better. I've known there was something there for a while and recently I have discovered what it is-anger. Why is it there? Where did it come from? Who hurt me so much that I am this angry? Why do we as parents deal with our anger so poorly and train our kids to deal with it like ourselves?
I love my kids-all of them, with my whole heart and soul. A quote recently was posted on facebook something like, "without my kids, I would have nothing to wake up to." They are my life, my joy, my desire to be better in life, so why can't I be better? I am looking forward to the next few weeks of lent. Through church there are groups being offered and committments being made. I am anxious to see where God leads me and how he grabs me and heals me so I can be the person I am suppose to be before I turn into the person that I am starting to become....
