Perfectionist

Over the past few months I have learned something about myself-I AM A PERFECTIONIST!  I know, who knew right-lol.  That's right.  Something I never thought of about myself, I guess because I am not always worried what others think and there are plenty of areas in my my life that I just try without a care.  And there are plenty of times I get overwhelmed and then I quit.  But the things I do carry out to completion, I excel at 100%-I know my gifts, I work hard, I strive for verbal praise-because after all I am a "words of affirmation" girl. (Read The Five Love Languages)

Life has been a bit rough over the past few months while I try to learn who I am again in this new identity I have here.  Trying to figure out my place, my purpose.  Its a bit frustrating but even more so because the truth often hurts...a lot!  Lately I find myself in that middle ground.  Its uncomfortable and its hard.  As a parent, I have not mastered this motherhood thing-I know I have been doing it for 7 years now and I still just can't get it right.  As much as I would like to quit, I can't and I won't, its just hard because I like to be great at what I do.  Unfortunately that has not been the case lately.

My heart aches so much for my Kai, my first born, my guinea pig.  Still my baby, yet the one I expect so much of....why is that?  Why and how could I have allowed our relationship to be be so up and down?  If you know him you know this... he is an amazing boy-not only super gifted athletically, but he has a brain that surpasses his age and a heart that has so much compassion while at the same time he is the class clown always looking for a laugh. 

Why is it then, that there are more nights than not that I go to bed thinking to myself again, "Why did we argue about something so stupid?  Why did I call him a brat?  Why didn't I just give him that five more minutes to finish his legos? Why didn't I try it a different way?  Most importantly, why am I acting like a 7 year old?" 

I have been on a search to help make my family better.  I've known there was something there for a while and recently I have discovered what it is-anger.  Why is it there?  Where did it come from?  Who hurt me so much that I am this angry?  Why do we as parents deal with our anger so poorly and train our kids to deal with it like ourselves?

I love my kids-all of them, with my whole heart and soul.  A quote recently was posted on facebook something like, "without my kids, I would have nothing to wake up to."  They are my life, my joy, my desire to be better in life, so why can't I be better?  I am looking forward to the next few weeks of lent.  Through church there are groups being offered and committments being made.  I am anxious to see where God leads me and how he grabs me and heals me so I can be the person I am suppose to be before I turn into the person that I am starting to become....