How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? (Psalm 12:1-2)
Since we moved here, well I am sure it goes back even farther than that, I have been dealing with some personal stuff. I have been fighting it, trying to fix things on my own, failing, feeling sad, trying to fix it again on my own, failing and feeling sad....and it goes on and on and on...
The saying definitely is true that when you finally commit to fix that thing once more-but with God's help for real, that is when the enemy attacks the hardest! This past weekend was a low point for me. I think it started earlier in the week, but Saturday was the day that James said good bye for work, I looked at the once again mess in the kitchen and had to go upstairs to cry. I layed in my bed for three hours watching shows while my kids played the Wii. I knew all along, that that was our day, but I couldn't budge. I layed there feeling sorry for myself and hating my everyday routine of cleaning the kitchen, picking up toys, wiping toilets, folding laundry, walking the dog, fighting about homework, kids fighting with each other. How did I get here? Just a few days before I was ready to move and change and enjoy and be the mom I once was or thought I was and enjoy my life again....and yet I layed in my bed wanting to be alone.
Sunday seemed a little better. Things are brighter spent with God first and having my love home to help me tackle the day. We spent time as a family at a party and enjoyed the little things again. I remember thinking...this is a choice. I tell my kids all the time that attitude is a choice. I have to chose to do this. Why do I become lazy and selfish?
The next morning it began. I got up early at 630am and accomplished not only my devotional time, I also had time to exercise with Kai and play with him, have devotions with my kiddos to send them off to school in good moods too. The day continued on. I chose to reconnect with the boys after school instead of sit and be tired and lazy. The day was a high especially compared to Saturday. Tuesday was a little later causing a little more rush, but still a calmness on and on until Thursday. While the day started out great, my body is feeling tired from the early mornings, restless for not being able to accomplish some other things on "my list" a little less patient with "the attitudes" and tonight I find myself yelling again at bedtime. Ugh!
I know I am on the right path. I know this is the time. I know that I need to push forward and beat the enemy and I will. So I can go to sleep with the ending part of the Psalm 13:5-6, But I trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me.
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