Over the past few months I have learned something about myself-I AM A PERFECTIONIST! I know, who knew right-lol. That's right. Something I never thought of about myself, I guess because I am not always worried what others think and there are plenty of areas in my my life that I just try without a care. And there are plenty of times I get overwhelmed and then I quit. But the things I do carry out to completion, I excel at 100%-I know my gifts, I work hard, I strive for verbal praise-because after all I am a "words of affirmation" girl. (Read The Five Love Languages)
Life has been a bit rough over the past few months while I try to learn who I am again in this new identity I have here. Trying to figure out my place, my purpose. Its a bit frustrating but even more so because the truth often hurts...a lot! Lately I find myself in that middle ground. Its uncomfortable and its hard. As a parent, I have not mastered this motherhood thing-I know I have been doing it for 7 years now and I still just can't get it right. As much as I would like to quit, I can't and I won't, its just hard because I like to be great at what I do. Unfortunately that has not been the case lately.
My heart aches so much for my Kai, my first born, my guinea pig. Still my baby, yet the one I expect so much of....why is that? Why and how could I have allowed our relationship to be be so up and down? If you know him you know this... he is an amazing boy-not only super gifted athletically, but he has a brain that surpasses his age and a heart that has so much compassion while at the same time he is the class clown always looking for a laugh.
Why is it then, that there are more nights than not that I go to bed thinking to myself again, "Why did we argue about something so stupid? Why did I call him a brat? Why didn't I just give him that five more minutes to finish his legos? Why didn't I try it a different way? Most importantly, why am I acting like a 7 year old?"
I have been on a search to help make my family better. I've known there was something there for a while and recently I have discovered what it is-anger. Why is it there? Where did it come from? Who hurt me so much that I am this angry? Why do we as parents deal with our anger so poorly and train our kids to deal with it like ourselves?
I love my kids-all of them, with my whole heart and soul. A quote recently was posted on facebook something like, "without my kids, I would have nothing to wake up to." They are my life, my joy, my desire to be better in life, so why can't I be better? I am looking forward to the next few weeks of lent. Through church there are groups being offered and committments being made. I am anxious to see where God leads me and how he grabs me and heals me so I can be the person I am suppose to be before I turn into the person that I am starting to become....
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Homesick
It's been quite an emotional week for me. I know that when we strive to do better it is there that the enemy attacks-so why do I fall for it every time?
Since we moved to Maryland in October I have been enjoying it here and yes there have been times I have missed East Hampton, but it wasn't until this past week that I have felt homesick for our home and life we had there for the past nine years.
In a conversation with Maya I mentioned "this summer when we are on the beach..."and it hit me all of a sudden that I will not be right around the corner from the beach and it will not be our "all summer thing" to do. It was kind of sad.
I am a person who is use to being with people, yes I need "my time" but I like hanging out. Its been quiet here and I have missed my friends and acquaintances from where I still call home.
I have missed my best friend as the phone calls and texts are less and less and then today to top it all off while her baby was in the hospital, I wasn't able to be there for her physically.
Add all these emotions and not being able to talk them through with my mom and I am a bit crazy!
I believe we are where we are meant to be. I believe that I will go to the beach a few times this summer. I believe that God has special friends for me here and I believe my mom is up there cheering me on. It still makes for an emotional ride and I have to keep clinging to His promise for me-that He who began a good work in me will complete it-through my new lifestyle and through my new friends. I just have to keep striving and be patient-that fruit we are learning next week! BUT, what a coincidence this week we are talking about PEACE!
Since we moved to Maryland in October I have been enjoying it here and yes there have been times I have missed East Hampton, but it wasn't until this past week that I have felt homesick for our home and life we had there for the past nine years.
In a conversation with Maya I mentioned "this summer when we are on the beach..."and it hit me all of a sudden that I will not be right around the corner from the beach and it will not be our "all summer thing" to do. It was kind of sad.
I am a person who is use to being with people, yes I need "my time" but I like hanging out. Its been quiet here and I have missed my friends and acquaintances from where I still call home.
I have missed my best friend as the phone calls and texts are less and less and then today to top it all off while her baby was in the hospital, I wasn't able to be there for her physically.
Add all these emotions and not being able to talk them through with my mom and I am a bit crazy!
I believe we are where we are meant to be. I believe that I will go to the beach a few times this summer. I believe that God has special friends for me here and I believe my mom is up there cheering me on. It still makes for an emotional ride and I have to keep clinging to His promise for me-that He who began a good work in me will complete it-through my new lifestyle and through my new friends. I just have to keep striving and be patient-that fruit we are learning next week! BUT, what a coincidence this week we are talking about PEACE!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Loving a Sad Heart!
I am feeling a strange sadness today as I look around and hear purposeful deaths of children. When I was at the gym the other day I overheard a conversation of a ten year committing suicide because she was being bullied. Ten years old!!!! My heart just broke. Today I heard of a friend's child trying to kill herself-I am not sure of her age, but I don't believe she is much older than that. It drains my soul and my heart cries out! Did she not know how much her family loved her? Did her family not realize her agony? Did they not see her cry for help? This hits so close to home since we have dealt with Kai being bullied this year-at six and a half years old. Did we handle the situation properly? Does he know we love him and we will protect him? Does he know how much he is worth to us? The thought of him trying to take his own precious life is so unfathomable! I hope that we never come to that place ever! God is teaching me to appreciate my children so much more-but why does it have to come from someone else's loss or pain to open my eyes? Yesterday I posted on facebook: "T We are working through the Fruit of the Spirit in our home. During breakfast we go over the scripture and at dinner we draw from our "pot" different questions to discuss. This week we have been learning LOVE. God has been reminding me what love is: "Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not want what belongs to others. It does not brag. It is not proud. It is not rude. It does not easily become angry. It does not keep track of other people's wrongs. Love is not happy with evil, but it is full of joy when the truth is spoken. It always protects. It always trusts. It always hopes. It never gives up. Love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a NIRV) That is powerful stuff and boy do I need to work on many of them. I hope I am getting better at showing and teaching my children how to love and be loved. To laugh, dance and get down and dirty with them just to see the joys on their faces-that is one of the true blessings of being a parent! Love on your children today!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Another start....again!
Ugh! Why can't I just get it right? Its only the first and I have already lost my patience and yelled. Everyone went to bed in an uproar again! I love my kids more than anything, so why do I allow myself to do the same old routine that doesn't work when I know there is another way? I am going to bed sad too and feeling like I failed as a mother again. Why do I allow myself to have these tantrums with them? Why is it so hard to let love win over stupid petty stuff? Tomorrow's another day...I WILL do better, I will defeat this horrible side to me yet!
I find it interesting that this has been on my mind since yesterday and then I read it on my sister's blog (see sidebar) "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies they never come to an end. They are new every morning, new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness oh Lord, great is Thy faithfulness!"
I find it interesting that this has been on my mind since yesterday and then I read it on my sister's blog (see sidebar) "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies they never come to an end. They are new every morning, new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness oh Lord, great is Thy faithfulness!"
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Always on my mind...
Although it has been 2 1/2 years since my mom passed away from ovarian cancer, I don't think it will ever seem real. Maybe that is good because it means that the memories of her are still so close to my heart. I don't know why, but what I do know is that when the thought of her death hits me, it still takes my breath away. I don't know if it was the dream of being back in high school, the recent time with that side of my family or the opportunity to have so many great talks with my mother-in-law this week, but this morning my mom was there, the breath was taken once again and the tears began to flow. I am so thankful for her in my life-the friendship we had and the example she was. I only remember once being "embarrassed" and that was short lived because she was chaperoning a dance-but once the dance started it was cool. She was always invited to be at my dances, my games and my events-to cheer me on. I never lied to her, I always told on myself, because despite the poor choice that I may have made at the time, she still always looked upon me with open arms and love. She was an amazing person and had an amazing testimony-even now while she is gone, her faith and character are high in many people's eyes. So when I think of her I wonder why God chose to take her at such a young age-weren't there worse moms He could have taken out of this world? I know this is a selfish thought and she would have reminded me that she was secure in her salvation-she had a hope and she is with Him now, by choosing her He allowed the other mom another chance to make a change. It's amazing the things that are happening in our family now-and I believe it all started long ago because of her. I hope that I have the same relationship with my children and the same impact that she did someday.
Check out her story under her blog listed above (Connie's journey). I bet she will touch your life as she did so many others!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
What we really remember...
As I sit here wrapping presents and thinking "Is this all?" I am thankful for my husband. He constantly reminds me of the true meaning of Christmas while I remind him what it was like to be a child. Our combinations of personalities have brought us to a great place this year.
A couple of years ago when I placed the presents under the tree the night before it was insane. We had gone way overboard and spent way too much money. If I remember correctly they were still at the age that it took forever and some coaxing to keep opening. Last year we managed to downsize quite a bit, but we still could've done less and enjoyed ourselves. This year, I think we got it right! Each child will get one large special gift, something they have been wanting and will really truly appreciate, not just more junk to be thrown into the toy closet. Also they will get a shirt, a cocoa mug and then of course their stockings with the basics: toothbrush, chocolate, gum, orange and a little toy. Of course they will have their gifts from Grampy Baboo, Angin and Yaya, James' siblings and their one simple gift that Santa brings.
While it doesn't seem like much to some, I know they are perfect for them. So while I sit here and reminisce awhile I find myself falling into the emotional Sommer thinking of my Mom. I know that she and Dad always provided for us the best they could and searched out the things we would really appreciate and enjoy. Tears fall as I hope she knows that we always enjoyed Christmas even if it was little or "second hand." My memories aren't of the toys though, but of the days surrounding--Christmas Eve at grams enjoying the bowl of nuts, trying to find the perfect filled candy and not get the gross ones, fudge and "round cheese" the warmth of the house and the spots we sat in while Aunt Cathy played "Santa" and then Gram opening up all of hers last. On Christmas I remember waiting at the top of the stairs until Dad had his coffee ready, opening the stockings first, the surprise of what Dad's work gave us that year, waiting for Gram to come over so we could show her our new things and then relaxing at home the rest of the day together.
I can't really remember any gifts off hand besides the year we all got Alvin and the Chipmunks from Dads work (I got Simon LOL), but what I remember is mom watching and smiling and twiddling her hair and enjoying us-her family. I have to believe that she knew how happy we were and how much we enjoyed Christmas because of her. She would have loved to be home last week when all of her grandkids were together. I can hear her laugh and see her smile while she sits and watches them. I hope that my kids will remember that peacefulness about me, just enjoying them-enjoying themselves.
A couple of years ago when I placed the presents under the tree the night before it was insane. We had gone way overboard and spent way too much money. If I remember correctly they were still at the age that it took forever and some coaxing to keep opening. Last year we managed to downsize quite a bit, but we still could've done less and enjoyed ourselves. This year, I think we got it right! Each child will get one large special gift, something they have been wanting and will really truly appreciate, not just more junk to be thrown into the toy closet. Also they will get a shirt, a cocoa mug and then of course their stockings with the basics: toothbrush, chocolate, gum, orange and a little toy. Of course they will have their gifts from Grampy Baboo, Angin and Yaya, James' siblings and their one simple gift that Santa brings.
While it doesn't seem like much to some, I know they are perfect for them. So while I sit here and reminisce awhile I find myself falling into the emotional Sommer thinking of my Mom. I know that she and Dad always provided for us the best they could and searched out the things we would really appreciate and enjoy. Tears fall as I hope she knows that we always enjoyed Christmas even if it was little or "second hand." My memories aren't of the toys though, but of the days surrounding--Christmas Eve at grams enjoying the bowl of nuts, trying to find the perfect filled candy and not get the gross ones, fudge and "round cheese" the warmth of the house and the spots we sat in while Aunt Cathy played "Santa" and then Gram opening up all of hers last. On Christmas I remember waiting at the top of the stairs until Dad had his coffee ready, opening the stockings first, the surprise of what Dad's work gave us that year, waiting for Gram to come over so we could show her our new things and then relaxing at home the rest of the day together.
I can't really remember any gifts off hand besides the year we all got Alvin and the Chipmunks from Dads work (I got Simon LOL), but what I remember is mom watching and smiling and twiddling her hair and enjoying us-her family. I have to believe that she knew how happy we were and how much we enjoyed Christmas because of her. She would have loved to be home last week when all of her grandkids were together. I can hear her laugh and see her smile while she sits and watches them. I hope that my kids will remember that peacefulness about me, just enjoying them-enjoying themselves.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Why I am writing...
I am so excited to start this blog. It has been on my mind for awhile, but it's always a little scary opening up to good friends, let alone to the world. Well, here goes...
I have been with my husband, James, for 13 years, married for nine. We have three amazing children-Kai almost 7, Dylan 5 1/2 and Maya 3 1/2. I am blessed to be able to stay at home with them, but I would be lying if I said it was all a piece of cake. In all honesty, though, the goods almost always outway the bad.
Recently we have made some big changes in our lives and it has caused a lot of emotions to come out. I know I have allowed them to take control of me. This is not the person I thought I was nor the person I ever wanted to be.
James says that I wear my emotions on my sleeves and my mom always said I was either way up or way down and there was never any in-between. While it is true that I am a bit crazy at times, I know that when I have taken care of myself spiritually (spending time in the word and in prayer), physically (good diet and exercise) and emotionally (allowing myself time alone without responsibilities) I am more emotionally stable. This also makes me a much better wife and mother. So why is it so hard to find time for these in my life?
That is what this blog is about, sharing and learning how to be the person God intended me to be despite all the craziness and drama that comes with everyday life. I know I am not perfect, I know that I fail everyday but I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning. My hope and prayer for this blog is that it helps me learn to be that calmer, more loving-"lose the tone and facial expression" person that I want to be and also that it touches those who read it. A friend told me today to just laugh because life really is good and I am truly blessed!
I have been with my husband, James, for 13 years, married for nine. We have three amazing children-Kai almost 7, Dylan 5 1/2 and Maya 3 1/2. I am blessed to be able to stay at home with them, but I would be lying if I said it was all a piece of cake. In all honesty, though, the goods almost always outway the bad.
Recently we have made some big changes in our lives and it has caused a lot of emotions to come out. I know I have allowed them to take control of me. This is not the person I thought I was nor the person I ever wanted to be.
James says that I wear my emotions on my sleeves and my mom always said I was either way up or way down and there was never any in-between. While it is true that I am a bit crazy at times, I know that when I have taken care of myself spiritually (spending time in the word and in prayer), physically (good diet and exercise) and emotionally (allowing myself time alone without responsibilities) I am more emotionally stable. This also makes me a much better wife and mother. So why is it so hard to find time for these in my life?
That is what this blog is about, sharing and learning how to be the person God intended me to be despite all the craziness and drama that comes with everyday life. I know I am not perfect, I know that I fail everyday but I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning. My hope and prayer for this blog is that it helps me learn to be that calmer, more loving-"lose the tone and facial expression" person that I want to be and also that it touches those who read it. A friend told me today to just laugh because life really is good and I am truly blessed!
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