Wow. I think it has been forever since I have posted. There has been so much going on and so little time to do it all in. I am excited to share a few things.
First, I have been emailing and chatting with my father-in-law on a weekly basis. This is super cool and I am convinced, now that not only do I have the coolest mother-in-law but the coolest father-in-law as well. As we take time to talk and learn about each other, I am not only learning things about myself but also about my husband, James in a different light. Its nice to know he really likes to talk with me. Oh, and this was all his idea-haha.
Second, through the conversations, time with two of my sisters, a great new blog (listed on the sidebar) and the relationship series we are doing at church I am excited that God is showing me some great things and some not so great things -lol. He's still working on me! ;) If you are interested in the series go to www.ILoveThisChurch.com and you can hear the messages.
The last two weeks and this one have and will be super crazy. This has to do with Maya having a birthday and my corporation having its second annual "Tikes on Bikes" benefit. Maya's birthday always leaves me with some mixed emotions. I cannot believe my baby is four! Where did the time go? Her birthday is always near Mother's Day. This is the time I miss my mom and wish she were hear to celebrate the life of my kids and then to celebrate her and what an amazing woman and mother she was. I hope to have the same relationship with my kids as I did with her. The corporation, of course is after her as well as my business partner's mom. Birthdays, Mother's Day and events in her honor....at some point this allows for a moment of crying. Crying is good though. A great release and then I can begin to focus again.
Awe....now its time to sleep.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
He has been good to me!
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? (Psalm 12:1-2)
Since we moved here, well I am sure it goes back even farther than that, I have been dealing with some personal stuff. I have been fighting it, trying to fix things on my own, failing, feeling sad, trying to fix it again on my own, failing and feeling sad....and it goes on and on and on...
The saying definitely is true that when you finally commit to fix that thing once more-but with God's help for real, that is when the enemy attacks the hardest! This past weekend was a low point for me. I think it started earlier in the week, but Saturday was the day that James said good bye for work, I looked at the once again mess in the kitchen and had to go upstairs to cry. I layed in my bed for three hours watching shows while my kids played the Wii. I knew all along, that that was our day, but I couldn't budge. I layed there feeling sorry for myself and hating my everyday routine of cleaning the kitchen, picking up toys, wiping toilets, folding laundry, walking the dog, fighting about homework, kids fighting with each other. How did I get here? Just a few days before I was ready to move and change and enjoy and be the mom I once was or thought I was and enjoy my life again....and yet I layed in my bed wanting to be alone.
Sunday seemed a little better. Things are brighter spent with God first and having my love home to help me tackle the day. We spent time as a family at a party and enjoyed the little things again. I remember thinking...this is a choice. I tell my kids all the time that attitude is a choice. I have to chose to do this. Why do I become lazy and selfish?
The next morning it began. I got up early at 630am and accomplished not only my devotional time, I also had time to exercise with Kai and play with him, have devotions with my kiddos to send them off to school in good moods too. The day continued on. I chose to reconnect with the boys after school instead of sit and be tired and lazy. The day was a high especially compared to Saturday. Tuesday was a little later causing a little more rush, but still a calmness on and on until Thursday. While the day started out great, my body is feeling tired from the early mornings, restless for not being able to accomplish some other things on "my list" a little less patient with "the attitudes" and tonight I find myself yelling again at bedtime. Ugh!
I know I am on the right path. I know this is the time. I know that I need to push forward and beat the enemy and I will. So I can go to sleep with the ending part of the Psalm 13:5-6, But I trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me.
Since we moved here, well I am sure it goes back even farther than that, I have been dealing with some personal stuff. I have been fighting it, trying to fix things on my own, failing, feeling sad, trying to fix it again on my own, failing and feeling sad....and it goes on and on and on...
The saying definitely is true that when you finally commit to fix that thing once more-but with God's help for real, that is when the enemy attacks the hardest! This past weekend was a low point for me. I think it started earlier in the week, but Saturday was the day that James said good bye for work, I looked at the once again mess in the kitchen and had to go upstairs to cry. I layed in my bed for three hours watching shows while my kids played the Wii. I knew all along, that that was our day, but I couldn't budge. I layed there feeling sorry for myself and hating my everyday routine of cleaning the kitchen, picking up toys, wiping toilets, folding laundry, walking the dog, fighting about homework, kids fighting with each other. How did I get here? Just a few days before I was ready to move and change and enjoy and be the mom I once was or thought I was and enjoy my life again....and yet I layed in my bed wanting to be alone.
Sunday seemed a little better. Things are brighter spent with God first and having my love home to help me tackle the day. We spent time as a family at a party and enjoyed the little things again. I remember thinking...this is a choice. I tell my kids all the time that attitude is a choice. I have to chose to do this. Why do I become lazy and selfish?
The next morning it began. I got up early at 630am and accomplished not only my devotional time, I also had time to exercise with Kai and play with him, have devotions with my kiddos to send them off to school in good moods too. The day continued on. I chose to reconnect with the boys after school instead of sit and be tired and lazy. The day was a high especially compared to Saturday. Tuesday was a little later causing a little more rush, but still a calmness on and on until Thursday. While the day started out great, my body is feeling tired from the early mornings, restless for not being able to accomplish some other things on "my list" a little less patient with "the attitudes" and tonight I find myself yelling again at bedtime. Ugh!
I know I am on the right path. I know this is the time. I know that I need to push forward and beat the enemy and I will. So I can go to sleep with the ending part of the Psalm 13:5-6, But I trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Perfectionist
Over the past few months I have learned something about myself-I AM A PERFECTIONIST! I know, who knew right-lol. That's right. Something I never thought of about myself, I guess because I am not always worried what others think and there are plenty of areas in my my life that I just try without a care. And there are plenty of times I get overwhelmed and then I quit. But the things I do carry out to completion, I excel at 100%-I know my gifts, I work hard, I strive for verbal praise-because after all I am a "words of affirmation" girl. (Read The Five Love Languages)
Life has been a bit rough over the past few months while I try to learn who I am again in this new identity I have here. Trying to figure out my place, my purpose. Its a bit frustrating but even more so because the truth often hurts...a lot! Lately I find myself in that middle ground. Its uncomfortable and its hard. As a parent, I have not mastered this motherhood thing-I know I have been doing it for 7 years now and I still just can't get it right. As much as I would like to quit, I can't and I won't, its just hard because I like to be great at what I do. Unfortunately that has not been the case lately.
My heart aches so much for my Kai, my first born, my guinea pig. Still my baby, yet the one I expect so much of....why is that? Why and how could I have allowed our relationship to be be so up and down? If you know him you know this... he is an amazing boy-not only super gifted athletically, but he has a brain that surpasses his age and a heart that has so much compassion while at the same time he is the class clown always looking for a laugh.
Why is it then, that there are more nights than not that I go to bed thinking to myself again, "Why did we argue about something so stupid? Why did I call him a brat? Why didn't I just give him that five more minutes to finish his legos? Why didn't I try it a different way? Most importantly, why am I acting like a 7 year old?"
I have been on a search to help make my family better. I've known there was something there for a while and recently I have discovered what it is-anger. Why is it there? Where did it come from? Who hurt me so much that I am this angry? Why do we as parents deal with our anger so poorly and train our kids to deal with it like ourselves?
I love my kids-all of them, with my whole heart and soul. A quote recently was posted on facebook something like, "without my kids, I would have nothing to wake up to." They are my life, my joy, my desire to be better in life, so why can't I be better? I am looking forward to the next few weeks of lent. Through church there are groups being offered and committments being made. I am anxious to see where God leads me and how he grabs me and heals me so I can be the person I am suppose to be before I turn into the person that I am starting to become....
Life has been a bit rough over the past few months while I try to learn who I am again in this new identity I have here. Trying to figure out my place, my purpose. Its a bit frustrating but even more so because the truth often hurts...a lot! Lately I find myself in that middle ground. Its uncomfortable and its hard. As a parent, I have not mastered this motherhood thing-I know I have been doing it for 7 years now and I still just can't get it right. As much as I would like to quit, I can't and I won't, its just hard because I like to be great at what I do. Unfortunately that has not been the case lately.
My heart aches so much for my Kai, my first born, my guinea pig. Still my baby, yet the one I expect so much of....why is that? Why and how could I have allowed our relationship to be be so up and down? If you know him you know this... he is an amazing boy-not only super gifted athletically, but he has a brain that surpasses his age and a heart that has so much compassion while at the same time he is the class clown always looking for a laugh.
Why is it then, that there are more nights than not that I go to bed thinking to myself again, "Why did we argue about something so stupid? Why did I call him a brat? Why didn't I just give him that five more minutes to finish his legos? Why didn't I try it a different way? Most importantly, why am I acting like a 7 year old?"
I have been on a search to help make my family better. I've known there was something there for a while and recently I have discovered what it is-anger. Why is it there? Where did it come from? Who hurt me so much that I am this angry? Why do we as parents deal with our anger so poorly and train our kids to deal with it like ourselves?
I love my kids-all of them, with my whole heart and soul. A quote recently was posted on facebook something like, "without my kids, I would have nothing to wake up to." They are my life, my joy, my desire to be better in life, so why can't I be better? I am looking forward to the next few weeks of lent. Through church there are groups being offered and committments being made. I am anxious to see where God leads me and how he grabs me and heals me so I can be the person I am suppose to be before I turn into the person that I am starting to become....
Monday, January 16, 2012
Homesick
It's been quite an emotional week for me. I know that when we strive to do better it is there that the enemy attacks-so why do I fall for it every time?
Since we moved to Maryland in October I have been enjoying it here and yes there have been times I have missed East Hampton, but it wasn't until this past week that I have felt homesick for our home and life we had there for the past nine years.
In a conversation with Maya I mentioned "this summer when we are on the beach..."and it hit me all of a sudden that I will not be right around the corner from the beach and it will not be our "all summer thing" to do. It was kind of sad.
I am a person who is use to being with people, yes I need "my time" but I like hanging out. Its been quiet here and I have missed my friends and acquaintances from where I still call home.
I have missed my best friend as the phone calls and texts are less and less and then today to top it all off while her baby was in the hospital, I wasn't able to be there for her physically.
Add all these emotions and not being able to talk them through with my mom and I am a bit crazy!
I believe we are where we are meant to be. I believe that I will go to the beach a few times this summer. I believe that God has special friends for me here and I believe my mom is up there cheering me on. It still makes for an emotional ride and I have to keep clinging to His promise for me-that He who began a good work in me will complete it-through my new lifestyle and through my new friends. I just have to keep striving and be patient-that fruit we are learning next week! BUT, what a coincidence this week we are talking about PEACE!
Since we moved to Maryland in October I have been enjoying it here and yes there have been times I have missed East Hampton, but it wasn't until this past week that I have felt homesick for our home and life we had there for the past nine years.
In a conversation with Maya I mentioned "this summer when we are on the beach..."and it hit me all of a sudden that I will not be right around the corner from the beach and it will not be our "all summer thing" to do. It was kind of sad.
I am a person who is use to being with people, yes I need "my time" but I like hanging out. Its been quiet here and I have missed my friends and acquaintances from where I still call home.
I have missed my best friend as the phone calls and texts are less and less and then today to top it all off while her baby was in the hospital, I wasn't able to be there for her physically.
Add all these emotions and not being able to talk them through with my mom and I am a bit crazy!
I believe we are where we are meant to be. I believe that I will go to the beach a few times this summer. I believe that God has special friends for me here and I believe my mom is up there cheering me on. It still makes for an emotional ride and I have to keep clinging to His promise for me-that He who began a good work in me will complete it-through my new lifestyle and through my new friends. I just have to keep striving and be patient-that fruit we are learning next week! BUT, what a coincidence this week we are talking about PEACE!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Loving a Sad Heart!
I am feeling a strange sadness today as I look around and hear purposeful deaths of children. When I was at the gym the other day I overheard a conversation of a ten year committing suicide because she was being bullied. Ten years old!!!! My heart just broke. Today I heard of a friend's child trying to kill herself-I am not sure of her age, but I don't believe she is much older than that. It drains my soul and my heart cries out! Did she not know how much her family loved her? Did her family not realize her agony? Did they not see her cry for help? This hits so close to home since we have dealt with Kai being bullied this year-at six and a half years old. Did we handle the situation properly? Does he know we love him and we will protect him? Does he know how much he is worth to us? The thought of him trying to take his own precious life is so unfathomable! I hope that we never come to that place ever! God is teaching me to appreciate my children so much more-but why does it have to come from someone else's loss or pain to open my eyes? Yesterday I posted on facebook: "T We are working through the Fruit of the Spirit in our home. During breakfast we go over the scripture and at dinner we draw from our "pot" different questions to discuss. This week we have been learning LOVE. God has been reminding me what love is: "Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not want what belongs to others. It does not brag. It is not proud. It is not rude. It does not easily become angry. It does not keep track of other people's wrongs. Love is not happy with evil, but it is full of joy when the truth is spoken. It always protects. It always trusts. It always hopes. It never gives up. Love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a NIRV) That is powerful stuff and boy do I need to work on many of them. I hope I am getting better at showing and teaching my children how to love and be loved. To laugh, dance and get down and dirty with them just to see the joys on their faces-that is one of the true blessings of being a parent! Love on your children today!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Another start....again!
Ugh! Why can't I just get it right? Its only the first and I have already lost my patience and yelled. Everyone went to bed in an uproar again! I love my kids more than anything, so why do I allow myself to do the same old routine that doesn't work when I know there is another way? I am going to bed sad too and feeling like I failed as a mother again. Why do I allow myself to have these tantrums with them? Why is it so hard to let love win over stupid petty stuff? Tomorrow's another day...I WILL do better, I will defeat this horrible side to me yet!
I find it interesting that this has been on my mind since yesterday and then I read it on my sister's blog (see sidebar) "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies they never come to an end. They are new every morning, new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness oh Lord, great is Thy faithfulness!"
I find it interesting that this has been on my mind since yesterday and then I read it on my sister's blog (see sidebar) "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies they never come to an end. They are new every morning, new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness oh Lord, great is Thy faithfulness!"
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Always on my mind...
Although it has been 2 1/2 years since my mom passed away from ovarian cancer, I don't think it will ever seem real. Maybe that is good because it means that the memories of her are still so close to my heart. I don't know why, but what I do know is that when the thought of her death hits me, it still takes my breath away. I don't know if it was the dream of being back in high school, the recent time with that side of my family or the opportunity to have so many great talks with my mother-in-law this week, but this morning my mom was there, the breath was taken once again and the tears began to flow. I am so thankful for her in my life-the friendship we had and the example she was. I only remember once being "embarrassed" and that was short lived because she was chaperoning a dance-but once the dance started it was cool. She was always invited to be at my dances, my games and my events-to cheer me on. I never lied to her, I always told on myself, because despite the poor choice that I may have made at the time, she still always looked upon me with open arms and love. She was an amazing person and had an amazing testimony-even now while she is gone, her faith and character are high in many people's eyes. So when I think of her I wonder why God chose to take her at such a young age-weren't there worse moms He could have taken out of this world? I know this is a selfish thought and she would have reminded me that she was secure in her salvation-she had a hope and she is with Him now, by choosing her He allowed the other mom another chance to make a change. It's amazing the things that are happening in our family now-and I believe it all started long ago because of her. I hope that I have the same relationship with my children and the same impact that she did someday.
Check out her story under her blog listed above (Connie's journey). I bet she will touch your life as she did so many others!
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